JoBlog

My mood is not good. Hence the severe lack of posting, since all I have to say most of the time is “I feel poo”. But I’ve been feeling poo for long enough that some of you need an update, and I want to put forward a theory I have. But first for the moan:

Lithium Augmentation helped me. For about 3 weeks. And then I hit PMT, did a great big metaphorical nose-dive, and have been there ever since (about a month). More PMT is expected in the next few days, so be nice to me!

I’m feeling very isolated at the moment, as though all my supports have been taken away. Ben’s doing his best, but he’s in his final year, and in the middle of exams, so he’s busy and stressed, and needs support himself. But I have come up with a theory of why it might be happening with everyone.

It’s based on the fact that this is everybody’s second time of watching me go through this. The first time someone meets someone with severe depression, who talks about suicide, and self harm, and crying and all the internal pain, most people have one of two reactions. They’re either scared stiff and run screaming, or they’re wonderful and supporting and look after you.
But because depression is episodic, that low passes, and after a while a new one develops. Except this time, all your friends are in a “second time situation”. And they don’t know how to react. In my experience some people just stop being sure of what to say, others pretend you’re not down, and the rest ignore you in the hope that you’ll go away.

I don’t really know what I’m aiming at here, because I don’t think there’s really any way to change people’s reactions. And I can understand them. I mean, they have seen it all before. And I did want to die before, and yet I’m still here. So why should they bother?

My questions tend to be the other way round though. Why should I bother trying to get better when it has never lasted in the past. Why shouldn’t I kill my self, because no one cares how I’m feeling, and I know I’ll feel like this again in the future. Every day is a battle, and every day, the people on my side drift away.

This is something I have been thinking about for some time. What are blogs supposed to be for, and who makes the rules?
I was first given a “column” on studentssocial, back when people visited, and it was just a place for me to write something interesting, for our group of friends. When I became very ill it became a way for me to comunicate with everyone about what was happening, and to try to educate people about depression a bit more. And then I kept it updated with my progress from drug to drug, incase anyone cared, or it could help anyone out.

So now I’m left with a new blog, which certainly taught me some css, but not knowing what to write about. Of the blogs I read, the majority combine non-personal posts about their life, and information about the next technological craze, or programming hack. Whilst most of what I want to write about is my depression.

So, do I continue writing about my various treatments, and bore everyone to tears. Or do I stop writing altogether? Can I write about my feelings and struggles, or would that turn me into an attention seeker? Public opinion matters to me far more than it should, but I need to know how people see me, and my blog.

As of yesterday, JoBlog is now available at www.joanslow.com (my name, for those of you who found this without knowing me!). Hopefully this will be much more memorable, and will encourage you all to visit!

Please update bookmarks etc, because although the old address will continue working for a while, it will stop at some point (I have no idea when…)

The domain came with some new hosting, so if you find anything that’s broken during the migration, please let me know.

When I first became depressed, I took pains to hide my feelings from everyone, including my family and close friends, not out of shame, but because I didn’t want to worry them. Then, when I was finally diagnosed with depression, the number of negative responses I got meant that I tried to keep it quiet to avoid the hassle. Since then, I think I’ve developed a pretty healthy attitiude towards my illness, being open and honest about it, whilst hopefully not going on about it too much.

Within a couple of days, however, I have been told by two separate people that I do not want to get better, or that the will to get better is not there. From one person, I can dismiss it, but from two, I feel I have to examine the possibility. So I guess this is a plea for your help. What should my attitiude towards my illness be, and what should I expect other people’s attitudes to be?

My depression is certainly not the norm for someone diagnosed with the condition. Most people will undergo some form of treatment, whether it be medication, therapy or something else, and will have recovered fully within a couple of years. It is possible, although far from certain, that I may have to live with depression for life, so my attitudes will obviously be altered from those of the average sufferer.

So should I be ashamed of my illness, and not accept that it’s a part of me? Should I be encouraging other sufferers to talk about their illness and to stop being ashamed, or am I doing more harm than good? Any comments or thoughts would be much appreciated.

My first blood test on Lithium came back ok. My blood lithium level was 0.35 (when 0.5-1.0 is where we’re aiming for), and we checked everything else, like thyroid and kidney function, which were also fine.
So now I’m up to 600mg daliy, before my next blood test on Thursday. This could get boring very quickly….

After deciding that Duloxetine was not providing me with very much theraputic effect at all, we’ve added Lithium to the mix, in an attempt to augment the action of an antidepressant. Since the side effects of Duloxetine were not too bad, we’ve stuck with it.

I’m on a starting dose of 400mg Priadel (the brandname I’m on), and then probably going up to 800mg in stages, depending on the results of weekly blood tests.

Side effects so far have been extreme thirst, dry mouth, and feeling generally quite wooly in my head.

Duloxetine seems like quite a goood drug in general. The side effects are not too bad; I’ve had mild constipation, dizziness on standing, and occasional nausea. Another thing worth noting is that it does affect people’s sleep patterns - I need to take it in the morning to prevent it making me an insomniac. The starting dose, and the theraputic dose (for depression) are both the same at 60mg, and it’s just once a day. So overall, it looks pretty good.

The one problem being that after 6 weeks, it hasn’t shifted the depression. I thought a couple of weeks ago that it was starting to be effective, but in the last week I’ve taken such a significant nose dive, it’s very hard to believe. So it’ll be back to the drawing board just as soon as I can find in my timetable to see my consultant.