Isolation, and “second-time-ism”
My mood is not good. Hence the severe lack of posting, since all I have to say most of the time is “I feel poo”. But I’ve been feeling poo for long enough that some of you need an update, and I want to put forward a theory I have. But first for the moan:
Lithium Augmentation helped me. For about 3 weeks. And then I hit PMT, did a great big metaphorical nose-dive, and have been there ever since (about a month). More PMT is expected in the next few days, so be nice to me!
I’m feeling very isolated at the moment, as though all my supports have been taken away. Ben’s doing his best, but he’s in his final year, and in the middle of exams, so he’s busy and stressed, and needs support himself. But I have come up with a theory of why it might be happening with everyone.
It’s based on the fact that this is everybody’s second time of watching me go through this. The first time someone meets someone with severe depression, who talks about suicide, and self harm, and crying and all the internal pain, most people have one of two reactions. They’re either scared stiff and run screaming, or they’re wonderful and supporting and look after you.
But because depression is episodic, that low passes, and after a while a new one develops. Except this time, all your friends are in a “second time situation”. And they don’t know how to react. In my experience some people just stop being sure of what to say, others pretend you’re not down, and the rest ignore you in the hope that you’ll go away.
I don’t really know what I’m aiming at here, because I don’t think there’s really any way to change people’s reactions. And I can understand them. I mean, they have seen it all before. And I did want to die before, and yet I’m still here. So why should they bother?
My questions tend to be the other way round though. Why should I bother trying to get better when it has never lasted in the past. Why shouldn’t I kill my self, because no one cares how I’m feeling, and I know I’ll feel like this again in the future. Every day is a battle, and every day, the people on my side drift away.
April 16th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
I know exactly how you feel about nopt wanting to go on and feeling helpless. I am going through my fourth bout of depression right now, and I am 2 different antidepressants, with the possibility of lithium augmentation on the next few weeks if my symptoms do not improve. Do myou think the lithium helps?
April 16th, 2006 at 11:06 pm
Lithium Augmentation definately works, particularly for people with medication resistant depression. It hasn’t worked for me personally so far, but we keep trying, with different anti depressants.
One thing to keep an eye on is that it can make some of the normal side effects of the antidepressant much worse.
I hope it works for you.
May 17th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
This post touched a nerve. I’m not a sufferer, so can’t possibly understand how you feel, but, I’m firmly in the “have no idea what to say to help” camp, with my tent set up and suitcase unpacked. However, i think the “second-time-ism” is not quite right, in that if I had said something right first time round, and you’re here second time round, then I’d feel like i hadn’t helped, not “why should I bother”.
For instance, I want to pick up on the “no-one cares how I’m feeling”, because they do, clearly, for a start people are reading and replying.
Are there things that people do or say, that you so nicely put as “being wonderful”, that help, such that maybe i can inform my neighbours in the next tent…